Fragrantly Beautiful

Girls face a tough road to strong self-esteem

By Carol McGraw

The Gazette

The blonde with chiseled cheekbones strikes an inviting pose, her designer dress pressed against every curve, jewelry glittering above her plunging neckline, sultry eyes beckoning.

A dozen sixth- and seventh-grade girls look at the photo of a model selling nail polish and perfection as Meghan Kiser talks to them.

"I chose this woman because she's beautiful and has beautiful clothes. That makes her strong," says Kiser, a graduate student mentor for SmartGirl, a program that helps middle-school girls become more confident.

The girls look at her quizzically, then realize she is making a point. The outburst comes.

"It's rude. She's not strong. They're trying to sell stuff," blurts out one girl.

"It makes me sad to see it because most people don't look that way and so it makes them feel bad," a 12-year-old says.

"All these really pretty women - why not use regular people like us?" says another.

And so it went on a spring Saturday at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs campus, where 60 adolescent girls are meeting twice weekly for 12 weeks to tackle typical concerns, including body image, bullying and what they want from the future.

The hope is that these girls will take the leadership and critical-thinking skills they learn in the workshops and community service projects and pass them along to other girls, building positive peer networks within schools and the community, says Rhonda Williams, UCCS professor of counseling and director of the Colorado-based program.

There's a need for such help, experts say, because even 35 years after the birth of the women's movement and countless efforts to keep girls' self-esteem from tanking, self-esteem remains an issue.

True, women have made progress in professional and educational endeavors. But when it comes to how girls feel about themselves as they approach their teens, the wheels of progress have barely rolled. So much so that efforts keep springing up, coming from old standbys like the Girl Scouts to the new Dove Self-Esteem Fund to celebrity-driven organizations like Geena Davis' See Jane group and the Tyra Banks Foundation.

"Girls' self-esteem peaks when they are 9 years old, then takes a nose dive," clinical psychologist Robin F. Goodman writes on the New York University Child Study Center Web site.

There are far-ranging consequences to low self-esteem, says Lisa Machoian, a psychologist and former director of gender studies at Harvard University. Girls lose their voice and sense of who they are, and might do extreme things - develop eating disorders, abuse alcohol and drugs, cut themselves, become promiscuous.

Pressure to be cool

Those who work with adolescent girls say a tsunami of cultural, sociological and physical forces keeps washing away any gains from the decades-long efforts at boosting girls' self-esteem.
On the cultural front, says Machoian, is a backlash to the women's movement that manifests itself as "a way to keep women in their sexualized place."

Nowhere is it more pronounced than in the popular media, where images of Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and Beyonce show up as often as news about Iraq. It shouts the message that outer beauty is more important for women than inner qualities, experts say, and permeates everything from clothing styles to music to movies and the Internet.

The researchers say there is a direct correlation between those messages and a girl's sense of self-worth. Girls as young as 6 are dieting and worrying about how attractive they are.

"The body becomes an all-consuming passion, project, and barometer of worth," Goodman says. "Self-esteem becomes too closely paired to physical attributes."

Another factor is peer pressure. Although peer pressure and the need to fit in have been around for decades, Machoian says the rules that teens - especially girls - make for themselves have become harsher than in past generations. They can't like their parents or be too smart. They have to avoid particular hobbies and school subjects, date just the right guy and wear the right clothes so as not to be "uncool."

"And if you are not cool, you are alone - and there is nothing worse than that to a teen," Machoian says.

Add to the mix the turbulence of adolescence. There are huge chemical and hormonal shifts at work, and the brain undergoes one of its biggest growth spurts, says Kathy Stevens, director of training for the Colorado Springs-based Gurian Institute, which teaches educators to take into account learning differences between boys and girls.

A girl's body adds more fat to be ready for motherhood. But as girls get breasts and hips, they freak out because they aren't supermodel-thin. At the same time, biology is saying girls need to be appealing to attract the guys with the best genetic potential, so they compete against each other.

"A lot of the mean-girl bullying at this age comes from that - to make yourself look good and other girls look bad," Stevens says.

Girls also learn differently than boys, Stevens says. Girls who have done well in lower grades, when the emphasis is on verbal skills such as reading and writing, are suddenly asked to think in more abstract ways in middle school. They haven't developed that part of their brains as much, so they often struggle.

When teen boys are asked to identify their strengths, they usually refer to a skill or ability: they're great at math or have a killer fastball, according to "Full of Ourselves: Advancing Girl Power, Health and Leadership," a guidebook developed at Harvard. When asked the same question, girls are silent, or say such things as they have nice hair or are a good listener. Rarely do they mention intellectual prowess and skills.

In the end, many girls suffer a loss of self-confidence during middle school: self-esteem, grades and test scores plummet, and they become concerned with sex, peer pressure and body image, according to data gathered by SmartGirl. They hide their intelligence and shy away from activities that don't fit a narrow mold.

As some media reports have pointed out, adolescent boys also seem to go through a period of low self-esteem and depression, but few acknowledge that.

Still, experts say, girls face more obstacles. Boys aren't as widely judged on how they measure up physically, and males are still ahead academically, eventually have better and more varied jobs, make more money and wield the power in government and corporate America.

By age 15, clinically depressed girls outnumber boys with depression 2 to 1, according to NYU Child Study Center.

To combat the forces nibbling away at their self-esteem, girls need a safe place where they can express themselves creatively, speak up, learn about themselves and have allies, Machoian says.

Surveys of adolescent girls have found that they don't feel that parents or schools provide the help they need, so groups such as SmartGirl and Girl Scouts have stepped in to fill the void.Recently, a group of girls in Pennsylvania launched a "girlcott" against Abercrombie & Fitch to protest T-shirts with demeaning slogans. The retailer got rid of the offensive shirts, with messages such as "Who needs brains when you have these," and replaced them with higher-minded slogans like "That's Madame President to You" and "I'll show you my SAT scores if you'll show me yours."

Warning signs

Here are some warning signs that girls are suffering from low self-esteem, which can translate into depression:

Changes in behavior, including eating and sleeping patterns

Not wanting to do things they usually like to do

Self-criticism:

They put themselves down - "I can't do anything right; I'm ugly." Some of that is part of being a teen, but negative thinking goes along with depression.

Self-harming behavior:

Chewing nails to the quick, cutting and burning themselves, using drugs and alcohol

Sexual acting-out

tips for parents

Monitor your own comments about yourself and your daughter. Don't bemoan your looks.
Avoid general comments about looks and beauty.

Watch stereotypes.

Let daughters do carpentry and sons make dinner.

Point out positive attributes in people.

Comment on bad media messages and ask your daughter what she thinks.

Encourage your daughter to speak her mind, whatever her position or circumstance. Don't always rush forward with your wisdom.

Let girls fail, which requires letting them try.

Don't limit girls' choices:

Buy them a chemistry set or let them explore whatever interests them. Interest, not expertise, should be the motivation.

Get girls involved with sports or physical activity. Female athletes do better academically. It can enhance mental health and improve selfesteem.

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posted by Cheryl Levesque @ 5:16 PM